Dear Trump Supporters:
I am writing today to urge you to consider whether you are truly worthy of living in Donald Trump’s America. I suspect many of you are not. Donald Trump is a truly special man, and he should not be faced with presiding over a country full of stupid losers. You probably think you’re smart, or if you’re not, you no doubt think that Mr. Trump is going to create a country in which you at least look smart and can live as if you’re smart, but that’s not true. If you’re such a loser than you can’t look smart and live smart on your own, don’t expect Donald Trump to clean up your mess.
Let’s start with looking smart. For a man, that means calling people names is a regular part of your business practice. Take a look at Mr. Trump. Calling people names is something he does every day — not just when he feels like it, but on a consistent basis — and by doing that, he has become a billionaire. Also, are you one of those men who gave up on his balding head and just went with the Mr. Clean look? What a loser you are! Grow out whatever hair you have and come it across and forward so you look like a winner. Cover up that pale skin with a spray tan.
For women, looking smart means you can weigh no more than 117 lbs. And that’s if you’re 5’7″. For women shorter than that, subtract 5 pounds for every inch. You must be very, very thin, that I can tell you. You must also be beautiful. Now, Donald Trump fully understands that not everyone is born with good genes and conventional beauty, but that’s okay. Just find a good plastic surgeon and have him fix whatever part of you is not perfect. And you go get a spray tan, too.
As for living smart, here’s what you must do. First of all, if you pay any taxes to the Federal Government, you are a big, fat loser and you should be making arrangements to move to another country. Mr. Trump should not have to deal with people who stupid enough to pay taxes. It goes without saying that you can never, ever say anything unkind about Mr. Trump, but you also must not say anything nice about anyone he dislikes. It doesn’t matter if he used to like them or if he gave them money in the past. If he dislikes them now, then you must dislike them, too. You will need to be very diligent in staying on top of who he likes and doesn’t like, because it can change daily. Sometimes hourly.
If you can meet these requirements, you may be worthy of having Donald Trump as your president, provided you become very good at answering any criticism of Mr. Trump with a sentence that begins with, “Well, Hillary …” Believe me, this line will still work well into Mr. Trump’s first term.
Donald J. Trump
President of the United and Beautiful and Really Terrific States